Juice Cleanse, Day 1

So I got the brilliant idea that since Rhode Island got walloped by a snow storm last night, today would be a good day to start a cleanse. (I made it into work, but it's pretty quiet....so I figured since I was laying low, it would be a good time to start.)

Before a storm, most New Englanders stock up on bread and milk...I usually stock up on wine and tortilla chips. (Hey, whatever works.) Yesterday I skipped my usual pre-storm booze run and instead went to Whole Foods to load up on this stuff:

I felt so proud...and healthy. I read up on various cleanses and did some research, and when I found out Whole Foods carries Blueprint cleanses, I was pumped. After reading a bunch of reviews, Blueprint seemed pretty good, and most people claimed they didn't even feel hungry because the juices were filling.

I was skeptical, but had such great intentions.

Ok, maybe not great intentions. I'm trying to de-bloat before a possible date. More about that another time.

The way it works is there are 6 different juices per day. You drink them in order.

Today I started out with this:

Liquid kale and celery. It nearly stopped me in my tracks - I couldn't even finish the bottle...I drank half and skipped to the next one. Fortunately the pineapple/apple/mint was a lot more palatable, but the third course is...more green juice. BIG sad face.

The best thing I can compare it to is surgery prep, when you can only drink liquids. Sure, it's tolerable, but is it pleasant? No. And maybe I'm just a fat kid, but right now I'd be willing to commit a crime for a donut.

Ultimately what's keeping me on track is 1. fear of looking like a fatty on my first date with a new guy and 2. the fact that I spent over $100 on this stuff. Mostly #2 at this point...because after spending that much money on juice, I'm determined not to let it go to waste! Even if it means drinking celery.

An update from the front lines

After a few weeks of trying the online dating thing, I'm more convinced than ever of this: I'm going to be single forever.

I thought, if nothing else, it would at least make me feel better, that there are other normal people out there.

Instead I feel like I'm shopping in the bargain bins the day after Christmas. Sure, there may be a few great deals in there, but you have to wade through an enormous amount of crap to find them. The motley assortment of men who've contacted me just makes me feel creeped out and annoyed. Most of them, I'm certain, are basement-dwellers who probably collect doll heads. A disturbing amount are into "RPGs" which I've since learned are role playing games. No offense if that's your thing, but it is most definite not mine. Lilly Pulitzer doesn't mix well with Dungeons and Dragons.

I did have one actual date with an online guy. I liked him right off the bat because he could spell, seemed somewhat normal and actually sent a legit email, not just something I could tell was a generic cut and paste.

(And yes, I'm setting the bar high. Just be normal and able to spell. Not asking for a lot, right?? Wrong.)

After emailing back and forth we had a phone call. He seemed dorky but funny....he sounded a lot like Ross from the show Friends, which I found nerdily endearing. So, when he asked me out, I thought "why not?"

We met at a local brewery. He didn't quite look like his picture, but then again, it was tough to tell what he looked like in his profile pic since he was wearing a hat and sunglasses.

He was dorky but nice. Not someone I'd ever pick out in a bar, but since I'd just been reamed out by a girlfriend for being "too picky and judgy" I figured I'd give him a chance. We had a decent time, and the next morning he texted me to thank me for "the best first date ever."

Realizing his fine taste, I was warming up to him. I texted him back to say thanks, and he called me. After chatting a bit, we realized neither of us had eaten breakfast yet. He asked if I'd like to meet for brunch.

The road to my heart is paved with food, and brunch is one of my favorite things. Everything was looking great.

I met him outside his apartment complex. Right off the bat I realized that he didn't look quite as good without the dim lighting and several beers the night before, but in the back of my head I could still hear my friend Amy telling me to quit being judgy, so I went with it.

He drove to brunch, and in the 5-minute car ride he insisted on holding my hand and kissing me at every red light. Then when we got to the restaurant, he wanted to hold hands across the table.

I'm not super into PDAs. In the dim light of a bar, at midnight and after a few cocktails, maybe, but at 11am in a family restaurant? No thanks. I was quickly getting uncomfortable. It also dawned on me that he looked much older than me - I don't look my age, and although he's only 7 years older than me, he's not a youthful early 40ish. It wasn't quite as creepy as the Olsen twin and her French boyfriend, but still....

The food arrived and I was relieved. At least he let go of my hand.

Nonchalantly, he reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a package of tortillas. He then proceeded to make breakfast wrap sandwiches out of his omelette.

My jaw just about hit the table. He looked at me and casually said "I like to make wraps out of things." Like it was totally normal.

We were at a restaurant. That served sandwiches. And it wasn't a dietary thing: he ate the toast and home fries that came with the omelette.

But, because I'm a champ, I hung in there. Plus I was stuck, since he drove. After brunch he insisted on giving me the "grand tour" of his apartment and I very reluctantly acquiesced.

I am no neat freak, but since he had gone on about how he cleaned since he knew I was coming over, I expected it to be reasonably clean. Nope. It was a cluttered, tiny mess and smelled funny. He had a collection of bobble head dolls and no bed frame - just a mattress and box spring on the floor. For a kid just out of college this would have been ok, but not a 40-something professional.

I fled and that was it. He asked for another chance but I'm all set.

Staying home with my dog has never looked so good.

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Adventures in online dating

So I finally did it...I caved and got myself an online dating profile. It has dawned on me (after having it pointed out numerous times) that I'm probably not going to meet the man of my dreams at the dive bar where I hang out.

This is going to take some getting used to, because right now I feel...dirty. And discouraged. Maybe it's because most of the guys who've contacted me are creepy, but it just feels wrong to have my info out there for all these people to see.

And, just as my friends call me "shit magnet" in real life, it turns out I'm an online shit magnet too! For some reason a lot of 20/21 year olds are contacting me. Is that what the kids are doing these days? Because I may look younger than my age, but I'm not looking to be anyone's cougar.

And the lines these guys use... "Wow, I'm fully convinced God must be a woman to create a physical specimen as adorable as you beautiful."

It is me?? Are there women out there who actually respond to this kind of stuff??

Because if that's what the dating pool has to offer, I'd rather stay home alone with my dog.

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In comparison I feel like a model citizen

A friend texted me a little while ago: "I hate to ask, but I don't know who else to go to. Mind if Kat (not her real name) crashes at your place for a couple days? She doesn't have anywhere else to go and is essentially homeless."

Background: I've met Kat a few times. She's the friend of one of my BFFs, and I find her pretty insufferable. And she's a hot mess - had a shopping addiction, can't keep a job, dated a married guy, etc, etc, etc. So do I want Kat crashing with me? No, not particularly. However, even I'm not enough of a jerk to turn away a homeless acquaintance. So I said ok.

And then my friend called me. She had spoken to Kat and gotten more of the story.

Kat got kicked out of her apartment. Supposedly the landlord stopped by, decided it was "too messy" and gave her the boot. And Kat "accidentally" deposited "just one check" into her personal account from a nonprofit organization she volunteered for. A few days ago the police came to her place of work and served her with a warrant for arrest. She's been staying with the friend of friend, but a few days ago the woman had a nervous breakdown. Kat had to drive the woman to the ER and doctors told her she may not live with anyone else until she gets her mental health together, so Kat had to leave.

Ok, back the train up here. First off, as a landlord, I know it's not that simple to kick out a tenant. And we don't just show up to do spot checks. Even if we did, "messy" isn't a reason to evict. Especially in this economy. My guess, especially given Kat's history, is that she stopped paying rent and THAT'S why she got kicked out...and even then, it's NOT a quick process; it would've taken weeks or months.

As for the "accidental" deposit...Kat claims it was $500. I could be wrong, but I don't think $500 would rise to the level of charges and court, and certainly not sheriffs showing up at her work with a warrant. I'm pretty sure $500 and under is small claims court here. So I think Kat's lying about how it happened and how much money was involved.

The story about the woman and nervous breakdown is just bizarre. My hypothesis is that Kat's been crashing somewhere and overstayed her welcome.

She also claims she can't stay with her "boyfriend" because "no one is supposed to know they're dating." Umm, first off, we don't call that a boyfriend if it's a secret...and it's not even a "friend" if they won't help. Even the guy I casually hook up with occasionally would let me crash with him if I had nowhere else to go. Sounds to me like Kat's dating a married man again, and that's why he "can't" have her stay there.

I told Kat I work for xx (something government/state related) agency, and as such, can't be anywhere near her if there's an outstanding warrant; in fact, I'm legally obligated to report her whereabouts if I know said warrant exists.

Since then, radio silence. Our mutual friend (who's also horrified) texted to tell me I'm off the hook.

Jeez...I thought MY life was a mess! In comparison, I feel like a mature, responsible adult! I'm wearing clean clothes, my utilities are all working (at the moment) and I fed my dog today. I even did a 5k and a few craft projects over the weekend. Things could be much, much worse.



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A friend's dog died recently. It was terribly sad; Daisy was 14 and a much-loved member of their family...and just an all-around great dog.

One week to the day after Daisy died, my friend stumbled upon an item she's been trolling for on eBay for years. And although it usually sells for well over $100, there was a "buy it now" price of $44. After checking out, my friend realized that the seller's user name was "daisydog." She took it as a sign from Daisy. And I'm not going to lie, I kinda did too.

And then I started thinking....

I know several people who've said they experienced some kind of sign from a departed loved one. And selfish and ridiculous as this is...I was kinda miffed that I haven't had any kind of "sign" from my Memere.

Yeah, I know: completely ridiculous. But I miss her, a lot. Still.

When I bought my house (just over 3 years ago) my aunt gave me my Memere's silver tea set. Out of all the things from her house, this was probably the most meaningful for me. I used to play with it all the time when I went to my grandmother's house. I thought she must be a very fancy person to have such a fancy tea set.

However, the tea set has sat in boxes since it was given to me, and is now in serious need of a good cleaning. 

Before she got sick (so probably a year and a half to 2 years ago) my Memere gave me a small, high table that had been in her parlor - perfect to display the tea set. But, I left it in my parents' garage until I could bring it to my house - I didn't have room in my car. And it got damaged - irreparably, I thought. My dad was very apologetic, but said he was going to throw it out.

So that was that. Occasionally I'll tool around craigslist and look for a table for the tea set, but on the list of stuff that has to be done around here, that is wayyyy down on the list.

This past weekend, I was out running errands. I saw silver polish for a good price at Home Goods, so I decided to buy it. Even though I had nowhere to put the tea set. And I'm broke as you-know-what this week. It was the kind of purchase that made me question my sanity, just a little - totally frivolous and unnecessary, especially when I'm this broke.

The next day I went to my parents' house for Father's Day (which was awesome, btw...just an all-around great day). Lo and behold, my dad still had the table, AND he was able to fix it. I was SHOCKED. It's now sitting in my dining room, waiting for me to polish up the tea set.

This wasn't exactly a ghostly apparition, but then again, she was never one for big displays. I'd like to think she's still keeping an eye on me and helping out in her little ways.

Sick

I've had a sinus infection/bronchitis combo all week. Don't worry, though - this guy is taking good care of me:




Being sick = lots of time on the couch. So we've been watching a lot of History Channel and HGTV. The episode of "Love It or List It" is blowing my mind. (First off, the couple is on a $1.5M budget looking to upgrade their 3,000 sq ft row house. But I digress.)

The wife is pitching a fit about heated floors in the bathroom. "How can you not have heated floors?? Then you'd have cold tiles and we can't have that."

Umm, in my world, we live with the heat of the WHOLE HOUSE turned down low...never mind whether the floor's cold. And when I was house hunting, my wish list was that it wouldn't be TOO ghetto fab. LOL!!

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If dreams are the mirror of our soul, then what does this say about mine?

I've been having really weird dreams lately.

A couple nights ago, it was that my college roommate and I teamed up to rob a bank. I was the getaway driver, so I guess that makes her the muscle. (I think we did get away, too.)

Then one night the dream was about organizing all my shoes.

I have no idea what this all means -- except clearly I need a vacation.