After a few weeks of trying the online dating thing, I'm more convinced than ever of this: I'm going to be single forever.
I thought, if nothing else, it would at least make me feel better, that there are other normal people out there.
Instead I feel like I'm shopping in the bargain bins the day after Christmas. Sure, there may be a few great deals in there, but you have to wade through an enormous amount of crap to find them. The motley assortment of men who've contacted me just makes me feel creeped out and annoyed. Most of them, I'm certain, are basement-dwellers who probably collect doll heads. A disturbing amount are into "RPGs" which I've since learned are role playing games. No offense if that's your thing, but it is most definite not mine. Lilly Pulitzer doesn't mix well with Dungeons and Dragons.
I did have one actual date with an online guy. I liked him right off the bat because he could spell, seemed somewhat normal and actually sent a legit email, not just something I could tell was a generic cut and paste.
(And yes, I'm setting the bar high. Just be normal and able to spell. Not asking for a lot, right?? Wrong.)
After emailing back and forth we had a phone call. He seemed dorky but funny....he sounded a lot like Ross from the show Friends, which I found nerdily endearing. So, when he asked me out, I thought "why not?"
We met at a local brewery. He didn't quite look like his picture, but then again, it was tough to tell what he looked like in his profile pic since he was wearing a hat and sunglasses.
He was dorky but nice. Not someone I'd ever pick out in a bar, but since I'd just been reamed out by a girlfriend for being "too picky and judgy" I figured I'd give him a chance. We had a decent time, and the next morning he texted me to thank me for "the best first date ever."
Realizing his fine taste, I was warming up to him. I texted him back to say thanks, and he called me. After chatting a bit, we realized neither of us had eaten breakfast yet. He asked if I'd like to meet for brunch.
The road to my heart is paved with food, and brunch is one of my favorite things. Everything was looking great.
I met him outside his apartment complex. Right off the bat I realized that he didn't look quite as good without the dim lighting and several beers the night before, but in the back of my head I could still hear my friend Amy telling me to quit being judgy, so I went with it.
He drove to brunch, and in the 5-minute car ride he insisted on holding my hand and kissing me at every red light. Then when we got to the restaurant, he wanted to hold hands across the table.
I'm not super into PDAs. In the dim light of a bar, at midnight and after a few cocktails, maybe, but at 11am in a family restaurant? No thanks. I was quickly getting uncomfortable. It also dawned on me that he looked much older than me - I don't look my age, and although he's only 7 years older than me, he's not a youthful early 40ish. It wasn't quite as creepy as the Olsen twin and her French boyfriend, but still....
The food arrived and I was relieved. At least he let go of my hand.
Nonchalantly, he reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a package of tortillas. He then proceeded to make breakfast wrap sandwiches out of his omelette.
My jaw just about hit the table. He looked at me and casually said "I like to make wraps out of things." Like it was totally normal.
We were at a restaurant. That served sandwiches. And it wasn't a dietary thing: he ate the toast and home fries that came with the omelette.
But, because I'm a champ, I hung in there. Plus I was stuck, since he drove. After brunch he insisted on giving me the "grand tour" of his apartment and I very reluctantly acquiesced.
I am no neat freak, but since he had gone on about how he cleaned since he knew I was coming over, I expected it to be reasonably clean. Nope. It was a cluttered, tiny mess and smelled funny. He had a collection of bobble head dolls and no bed frame - just a mattress and box spring on the floor. For a kid just out of college this would have been ok, but not a 40-something professional.
I fled and that was it. He asked for another chance but I'm all set.
Staying home with my dog has never looked so good.
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